Recapping The Bachelor Because I Have Nothing Better To Do: Spoilers Ahead!

I'm going to take a stab at this recapping business for one of my FAVE shows, the Bachelor so there are definitely spoilers ahead. If you like what I post, or have any feedback I'd love to know!  I'm hoping to keep this going throughout the rest of the Bachelor season and really develop a voice for myself in this realm. I'd love for you to tag along in the process, now that I'm starting 2 weeks in. Haha, oops.

Let's start with Colton. I feel like I don’t have an opinion on Colton yet. The thing with the bachelor is you don’t ever get to know the bachelor because you're too busy sizing up the contestants (or if you're me, sizing up your bracket). Colton is kind of boring, and the virgin thing is definitely overplayed but he does provide a more wholesome vibe than ABC has brought on in the past. Unfortunately, I get a real Chris Soules vibe from Colton, and that, I'm not a fan of. 

Also, why is age such a thing this season? Did you all miss Nick V’s season?! Homeboy was 36.  Colton is in the middle of ages for all of these girls. Some younger and some older. To me it seems like a good mix, can we drop the cougar phrasing?

Okay, let's get into it...

First off, Demi is so owning this. She is everything the producers wanted Corrine to be and I am here for it! We all know she’s extra but at least she owns her dominatrix blonde self. 

Let's talk about that briefly. Does Colton really appreciate being seen as a sex toy? He’s a virgin. Have you read 50 shades of grey? Virgins don’t go straight to dominatrix because they don’t know what they don’t know, you know? Great, glad that is out of the way.

Hannah B, your dress is freakin fire but so is your attitude because you are bringing the flames. She brought up the fact that she and Caelynn were friends before the show (and the crowning of Miss USA *cough cough*) and how Caelynn is super fake and Colton will never see the whole Caelynn. YIKES! What a way to spice things up. Hannah B is out here handing out ultimatums telling Colton that if he’s into Caelynn's toxic energy, he is not someone she wants to be with...

Remember Hannah you didn’t do to hot on your one on one so maybe you won’t place with Colton either because he was SOOO out of touch. Hannah couldn’t even get a hug back at their evening party. 

Courtney is a nervous wreck, as per usual and needs to simmer down. Like nothing even pertains to her and she has anxiety attacks because of other peoples actions. Just focus on you boo. 

Caelynn took the rose for the night and serves her right. I think she’s spreading positive vibes and at least appears to be more genuine than Miss Hannah B. Caelynn & Colton has a nice ring to it. Maybe she won’t be runner up this time around as she takes home a rose this week.

One-On-One

Elyse, you should feel so relived that Colton is not making you go on a date with all those other witches. We all saw your jaw drop when Colton mentioned your date would be a group date.

I loved that Colton brought the kids down to come hang out with you all day at a mini amusement park. That’s a real sign. Im not sure if its a sign of genuine interest towards you or Colton trying to get a check out of the producers but you reaped the benefits girl because the roller coaster isn't the only thing giving him butterlies.

Of course what would The Bachelor be without the obscure country artist performance where the bachelor and contestant dance on an elevated platform in the audience. BIG SURPRISE, but none the less she persisted and received a rose.

Before we move on, can we talk about the resemblance between Tris (Alexis Dziena) from Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist on the right and Caitlin on the left? Great. Just wanted to get that out of the way.

Group date

Gym Training and an obstacle course. Seriously producers. Are we aiming to see Colton with his shirt off or the ladies?

Me if I have to be on a fitness group date

Legitimately my nightmare is being forced to do CrossFit on a date. Or ever. Ok, my nightmare is just CrossFit.

Nicole, let me tell you I was rooting for you when you took your shirt off but then you couldn’t push the wedding cakes through the dirt. It was very anti-climatic

Sydney. MY WOMAN. You are flexible as all hell and you used that to your advantage on this date. Golf clap for you because "Colton's not a stretching virgin anymore, that's for sure."- Cassie. Oh, and Sydney, you made that tire your b*tch.

Catherine, I'm slightly amazed in your athletic ability. I did not expect you do be able to lift a monster truck tire OR make it to the final obstacle course round.

I'm sorry, Tayshia, you were dealt a crappy hand. Moving a limo while the other girls had to roll a cake and flip a tire? You’re a hero in my book for trying, but at the same time, Caitlin just pulled a full stretch limo across the field and she wasn’t a finalist?! How does that add up?!

Onyeka, Sydney, and Catherine were the finalists, but Onyeka came out on top so she receives a rose.

After the down and dirty portion of the date...

Colton ends up sending Caitlin home due to her lack of conversation apparantly. I feel kind of bad for her because Colton wants these exceptional experiences and Caitlin has lived a fruitful life, why does that penalize her? I’m sorry she doesn’t have some dramatic experience to keep you engaged…. Is it because she’s not blonde? We’ll see her in paradise, guaranteed.

Pool Party

Shocker! The cocktail party was canceled and everyone was sent home. No roses. The end. Kidding, but there was a pool party in place of the cocktail hour.  Does Colton just want another chance to taker his shirt off, or maybe Demi does?

There was an odd amount of splashing going on at the pool party and a lot of these chicas don't exactly look like the type to get their hair wet. I wonder what its like to be the only guy at a pool party? 

This is the scene we see Hanna B do that whole growl face. Hannah has a monster of rage inside her and its about to be unleashed.

Colton is actually the one that unleashes it. After talking to Caelynn he questions Hannah about her manipulatie and deceitful behavior that Caelynn exclaimed to Colton earlier.

Now the only people Colton is talking to are the producers. Some pool party.

Rose Ceremony

This is where Chris Harrison needs to come out and say this is obviously The. Most. Dramatic. Episode. Yet.

“I'm ecstatic to accept this rose."- Demi quote of the week. We were all wondering, right?

Looks like Colton is sending home

Catherine: Where was that fire you and night one! It was like a one and done flame. We already know we will be seeing Catherine in paradise

Bri: I guess Colton’s not into Australian accents after all.

Nina: I’m sorry, but who are you?

Still waiting for Tia to pop up out of the woods. 

Can't wait to tune un next week!

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